Illustrations from Who Deserves Your Love for audiobook users

All artwork by Sarah Letteney

The following excerpts are from the “Questions for You” sections. I have written them here for your convenience.

Chapter 3: the vulnerability cycle

If you are wondering what your sensitivities are, try completing these sentances:

  1. I fear I am not good enough because I am: _______________ (stupid/ugly/lazy/too much/etc.)

  2. I fear I will be rejected for being too: ________________ (emotional/dramatic/boring/etc.)

  3. My biggest insecurity is _________________.

  4. I will never again let someone else make me feel: _____________ (small/used/thrown away/etc.)

  5. I tend to react more intensely to behaviors like ___________ than other people seem to.

If you are wondering what your defense mechanisms are, try answering the following questions:

  1. Whenever someone makes me feel not good enough, I tend to ___________.

  2. When I feel I’m going to be rejected I __________.

  3. When my insecurities are activated, I react by doing __________.

  4. I struggle to change the following behaviors even though I recognize I need to ______________.

Chapter 8: the relationship decision tree

QUESTION ONE: assessing objectionable behavior

  1. Is the other person exhibiting behaviors that have you questioning how to handle this relationship? If yes, what are they?

  2. What outside pressures are influencing (or attempting to influence) your decisions about this relationship?

  3. What behaviors, if any, do you find personally objectionable? why?

  4. What is the impact of those behaviors on you?

  5. Which (if any) of your sensitivities are being activated by this person’s behavior?

QUESTION TWO: assessing willingness

  1. How does the other person respond when you bring up your feelings and concerns?

  2. How does this person react when they are wrong?

  3. When it comes to the current issue, what steps have they taken to examine their own behavior?

  4. How do they explain their behavior?

  5. How do they respond to invitations to find collaborative solutions?

  6. What, if any, issues are affecting this person’s ability to have insight into their behavior?

QUESTION THREE: assessing capability of change

  1. What stories do you tell yourself about why this person behaves the way they do?

  2. What things might be making it difficult for them to engage in change or mitigating harmful impact?

  3. Ask a few people on your advisory team to listen to the explanations you gave. Ask them if, in their opinion, you are underestimating or overestimating the other person’s capabilities.

  4. When it comes to hurtful or harmful behavior, are you the only person they seem to not be able to control their behavior around?

QUESTION FOUR: determining your values

  1. Write down your values. Use mine as a starting point.

QUESTION SIX: assessing the depth of the relationship

  1. What is the depth of this relationship?

  2. What is the level of interdependence?

  3. What is the extent of any spiritual or cultural values that dictate your responsibilities to this person?

  4. What is the severity of the harm?

Chapter 9: how to compare your relationship to others

  1. Ask yourself, what is this an example of.

  2. Then ask yourself how important the behavior is to you.

  3. Next, ask yourself, what are examples of my partner showing other behaviors that are of the same example.

Chapter 11: making decisions with your head and your heart

1.      Do you share the same essential expectations for a future relationship?

a.      Are you looking for a casual friendship/dating partner, long-term or even life-long friend or partner?

b.     Do you want to have fun and live separate lives right now but eventually cohabitate, marry, and have kids?

c.      Are you a monogamist or do you want to explore polyamory or open relationships?

2.     Do they have a drive to live a meaningful life? What does a meaningful life mean to you? What does it mean to them?

a.      Do you want someone who participates in social justice causes?

b.     Is it important for them to have spiritual commitments?

c.      Is political activism or a particular political leaning important to you?

3.     How do they take initiative and show ambition towards their goals—career or otherwise?

4.     How do they take initiative and show ambition towards building a relationship with you?

5.     Do they show respect for their commitments?

6.     Do they treat you with dignity and respect even when they are angry?

7.     How do they talk about and treat those who are weaker, more vulnerable, or have less power?

8.     Do they express sympathy to people who cannot do anything for them?

9.     Do they handle being wrong in ways you admire?


APPENDIX 1 : Resources for abusive  relationships

 

The following information is taken from the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Visit thehotline.com or call 1-800-799-7233 for more information. To create a personalized safety plan and find a list of resources in your area, visit https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/

 

Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over a partner. This can manifest in different ways. Multiple types of abuse usually occur in an abusive relationship.

 

Understanding how abuse occurs and intersects can help you safely respond to situations. Below are some ways to identify the different types of abuse.

 

Physical abuse

Physical abuse is one of the most easily identified types of abuse. It involves the use of physical violence, or threats of it, to maintain power over an individual. Because of this, survivors are afraid and uncertain when more abuse will occur. This often reinforces the regular use of other, more subtle, types of abuse.

 

You might be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has or repeatedly does any of the following abusive behaviors:

·       Pull your hair or punch, slap, kick, bite, choke, or smother you.

·       Forbid or prevent you from eating or sleeping.

·       Use weapons against you, including firearms, knives, bats, or mace.

·       Prevent you from contacting emergency services, including medical attention or law enforcement.

·       Harm your children or pets.

·       Drive recklessly or dangerously with you in the car or abandon you in unfamiliar places.

·       Force you to use drugs or alcohol, especially if you have a history of substance abuse.

·       Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving.

·       Throw objects at you.

·       Prevent you from taking prescribed medication or deny you necessary medical treatment.

 

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten someone. These behaviors are often more subtle and hard to identify but are just as serious as other types of abuse.

 

You may be in an emotionally- or verbally-abusive relationship if your partner attempts to exert control by:

·       Calling you names, insulting you, or constantly criticizing you.

·       Acting jealous or possessive and refusing to trust you

·       Isolating you from family, friends, or other people in your life because it makes someone easier to control.

·       Monitoring your activities with or without your knowledge, including demanding to know where you go, who you contact, and how you spend your time.

·       Attempting to control what you wear, including clothes, makeup, or hairstyles.

·       Humiliating you in any way, especially in front of others.

·       Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.

·       Threatening you, your children, your family, or your pets (with or without weapons).

·       Damaging your belongings, including throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.

·       Blaming you for their abusive behaviors.

·       Accusing you of cheating or cheating themselves and blaming you for their actions.

·       Cheating on you to intentionally hurt you and threatening to cheat again to suggest that they’re “better” than you.

·       Telling you that you’re lucky to be with them and that you’ll never find someone better.

 

For more information on emotional abuse and children visit:

·      https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/emotional-abuse/

·      https://childsafety.losangelescriminallawyer.pro/kids-and-emotional-psychological-abuse.html

·      https://www.parentingforbrain.com/emotionally-abusive-parents/

 

 

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is when a partner controls the physical and sexual intimacy in a relationship. This often involves acting in a way that is non-consensual and forced.

 

·       You might be experiencing sexual abuse if your partner has or repeatedly does any of the following:

·       Make you dress in a sexual way you’re uncomfortable with.

·       Insult you in sexual ways or call you explicit names.

·       Force or manipulate you into having sex or performing sexual acts, especially when you’re sick, tired, or physically injured from their abuse.

·       Strangle you or restrain you during sex without your consent.

·       Hold you down during sex without your consent.

·       Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.

·       Involve other people in your sexual activities against your will.

·       Ignore your feelings regarding sex.

·       Force you to watch or make pornography.

·       Intentionally give you or attempt to give you a sexually transmitted infection.

 

Financial abuse

Financial or economic abuse occurs when an abusive partner extends their power and control into your financial situation.

 

Below are ways to identify the different types of abuse in your relationship pertaining to financial abuse.

 

Examples of financial abuse

·       Providing an allowance and closely monitoring how you spend it, including demanding receipts for purchases.

·       Depositing your paycheck into an account you can’t access.

·       Preventing you from viewing or accessing bank accounts.

·       Stopping you from working, limiting the hours that you can work, getting you fired, or forcing you to work certain types of jobs.

·       Maxing out your credit cards without permission, not paying credit card bills, or otherwise harming your credit score.

·       Stealing money from you, your family, or your friends.

·       Withdrawing money from children’s savings accounts without your permission.

·       Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household.

·       Forcing you to provide them with your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns.

·       Refusing to provide money for necessary or shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, medical care, or medicine.

 

Digital abuse

Digital abuse is the use of technology and the Internet to bully, harass, stalk, intimidate, or control a partner. This behavior is often a form of verbal or emotional abuse conducted online.

 

Examples of digital abuse

·       Telling you who you can or can’t follow or be friends with on social media.

·       Sending you negative, insulting, or threatening messages or emails.

·       Using social media to track your activities.

·       Insulting or humiliating you in their posts online, including posting unflattering photos or videos.

·       Sending, requesting, or pressuring you to send unwanted explicit photos or videos, sexts, or otherwise compromising messages.

·       Stealing or insisting on being given your account passwords.

·       Constantly texting you or making you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you’ll anger them.

·       Looking through your phone or checking up on your pictures, texts, and phone records.

·       Using any kind of technology (such as spyware or GPS in a car or phone) to monitor your activities.

·       Using smart home technology, smart speakers, or security cameras to track your movements, communications, and activities.

·       Creating fake social media profiles in your name and image or using your phone or email to send messages to others pretending to be you, as a way to embarrass or isolate you.

 

Sexual coercion

Sexual coercion lies on the continuum of sexually aggressive behavior. It can range from begging and persuasion to forced sexual contact. But even if your partner isn’t forcing you to perform sexual acts without your consent, making you feel obligated to do them is still sexual coercion.

 

No matter what type of relationship you are in, you never owe your partner intimacy of any kind.

 

Ways sexual coercion can occur

·       Implying that you owe them something sexually in exchange for previous actions, gifts, or consent.

·       Giving you drugs or alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions.

·       Using your relationship status as leverage, including by demanding sex as a way to “prove your love” or by threatening to cheat or leave.

·       Reacting with sadness, anger, or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something or trying to normalize their sexual demands by saying that they “need” it.

·       Continuing to pressure you after you say no or intimidating you into fearing what will happen if you say no.

 

Reproductive coercion

Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips another of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It can be difficult to identify this form of coercion because it’s often less visible than other types of abuse occurring at the same time and may appear as pressure, guilt, or shame about having or wanting children (or not having or wanting them).

 

Examples of reproductive coercion

·       Refusing to use a condom or other types of birth control.

·       Breaking or removing a condom before or during sex or refusing to pull out.

·       Lying about methods of birth control (i.e. having a vasectomy or being on the pill).

·       Removing birth control methods like rings, IUDs, or contraceptive patches, or sabotaging methods by poking holes in condoms or tampering with pills.

·       Withholding money to purchase birth control.

·       Monitoring your menstrual cycles to inform their abuse.

·       Forcing pregnancy or not supporting your decisions about when or if to have children.

·       Intentionally becoming pregnant against your wishes.

·       Forcing you to get an abortion or preventing you from getting one.

·       Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t agree to end or continue a pregnancy.

·       Keeping you pregnant by getting you pregnant again shortly after you have a child.