Illustrations from Who Deserves Your Love for audiobook users

All artwork by Sarah Letteney

The following excerpts are from the “Questions for You” sections. I have written them here for your convenience.

Chapter 3: the vulnerability cycle

If you are wondering what your sensitivities are, try completing these sentances:

  1. I fear I am not good enough because I am: _______________ (stupid/ugly/lazy/too much/etc.)

  2. I fear I will be rejected for being too: ________________ (emotional/dramatic/boring/etc.)

  3. My biggest insecurity is _________________.

  4. I will never again let someone else make me feel: _____________ (small/used/thrown away/etc.)

  5. I tend to react more intensely to behaviors like ___________ than other people seem to.

If you are wondering what your defense mechanisms are, try answering the following questions:

  1. Whenever someone makes me feel not good enough, I tend to ___________.

  2. When I feel I’m going to be rejected I __________.

  3. When my insecurities are activated, I react by doing __________.

  4. I struggle to change the following behaviors even though I recognize I need to ______________.

Chapter 8: the relationship decision tree

QUESTION ONE: assessing objectionable behavior

  1. Is the other person exhibiting behaviors that have you questioning how to handle this relationship? If yes, what are they?

  2. What outside pressures are influencing (or attempting to influence) your decisions about this relationship?

  3. What behaviors, if any, do you find personally objectionable? why?

  4. What is the impact of those behaviors on you?

  5. Which (if any) of your sensitivities are being activated by this person’s behavior?

QUESTION TWO: assessing willingness

  1. How does the other person respond when you bring up your feelings and concerns?

  2. How does this person react when they are wrong?

  3. When it comes to the current issue, what steps have they taken to examine their own behavior?

  4. How do they explain their behavior?

  5. How do they respond to invitations to find collaborative solutions?

  6. What, if any, issues are affecting this person’s ability to have insight into their behavior?

QUESTION THREE: assessing capability of change

  1. What stories do you tell yourself about why this person behaves the way they do?

  2. What things might be making it difficult for them to engage in change or mitigating harmful impact?

  3. Ask a few people on your advisory team to listen to the explanations you gave. Ask them if, in their opinion, you are underestimating or overestimating the other person’s capabilities.

  4. When it comes to hurtful or harmful behavior, are you the only person they seem to not be able to control their behavior around?

QUESTION FOUR: determining your values

  1. Write down your values. Use mine as a starting point.

QUESTION SIX: assessing the depth of the relationship

  1. What is the depth of this relationship?

  2. What is the level of interdependence?

  3. What is the extent of any spiritual or cultural values that dictate your responsibilities to this person?

  4. What is the severity of the harm?

Chapter 9: how to compare your relationship to others

  1. Ask yourself, what is this an example of.

  2. Then ask yourself how important the behavior is to you.

  3. Next, ask yourself, what are examples of my partner showing other behaviors that are of the same example.

Chapter 11: making decisions with your head and your heart

1.      Do you share the same essential expectations for a future relationship?

a.      Are you looking for a casual friendship/dating partner, long-term or even life-long friend or partner?

b.     Do you want to have fun and live separate lives right now but eventually cohabitate, marry, and have kids?

c.      Are you a monogamist or do you want to explore polyamory or open relationships?

2.     Do they have a drive to live a meaningful life? What does a meaningful life mean to you? What does it mean to them?

a.      Do you want someone who participates in social justice causes?

b.     Is it important for them to have spiritual commitments?

c.      Is political activism or a particular political leaning important to you?

3.     How do they take initiative and show ambition towards their goals—career or otherwise?

4.     How do they take initiative and show ambition towards building a relationship with you?

5.     Do they show respect for their commitments?

6.     Do they treat you with dignity and respect even when they are angry?

7.     How do they talk about and treat those who are weaker, more vulnerable, or have less power?

8.     Do they express sympathy to people who cannot do anything for them?

9.     Do they handle being wrong in ways you admire?