Honestly, this is a topic for everyone. Today’s show applies to all of us, whether we are parents, future parents, or someone who needs to heal their inner child. I’m excited to be joined by Rachel Nielson, the host and founder of the 3in30 Podcast. She interviewed me on a recent episode, and she’s returning the favor by joining me for this important conversation. Join us!
Show Highlights:
● The structure for Rachel’s 3in30 podcast: 3 actionable takeaways in 30 minutes
● Why parenting values are far superior to parenting rules
● Why success in motherhood is most definable by the connection we have with our kids
● What Rachel teaches in her program, Self-Assured Motherhood
● Why there is an opportunity to parent your inner child by identifying your core parenting values
● How you can have different values for different seasons of your life and family
● How Rachel’s program helps women identify and uncover their values by looking inward and outward
● Why our values might be in conflict with each other
● How parenting partners can handle conflict in their individual parenting values
● Takeaways from Rachel about embracing your values, accepting them, and living into them authentically
Resources and Links:
Connect with Rachel Nielson: Website and Podcast
Find Rachel’s list of parenting values: www.3in30podcast.com/values
Mentioned in this episode: The Family Firm by Emily Oster
Connect with KC: Website, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook
Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning
We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on our website: www.strugglecare.com/promo-codes
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KC Davis 0:05
Hello, you sentient balls of stardust, this is struggle care. And I'm your host, Casey Davis. And this is going to be another podcast about parenting. And as always, I encourage you to listen, whether you are a parent or a child. And that's all of us, like all of us have been children at one time. And I do my best to talk about parenting in such a way that if you are a parent, you are getting some really valuable information to us. And if you are an adult child, that you maybe can have an experience of healing your inner child listening to the kind of parenting that you deserved. So I have an awesome guest today, I have Rachel Nielsen, who is the host of the 3 in 30 podcasts that I was on recently. Rachel, hello,
Rachel Nielson 0:44
hello, thank you so much for having me.
KC Davis 0:46
Absolutely. So tell us a little bit like introduce yourself a little bit, what would you like people to know?
Rachel Nielson 0:51
Yeah, so I am a former high school English teacher turned podcaster. And stay at home mom. And from my experience, teaching teenagers how to take big complicated ideas and boil them down into thesis statements. I sort of do that now with parenting topics. So all of my podcasts are three actionable takeaways in 30 minutes, because I know moms don't have a lot of time to listen to parenting resources. A lot of them certainly don't have time to read these big full parenting books that get put out on the market. And so I'm like, I'll just give you the three takeaways make it as actionable and direct as I can. And Casey, everyone loved your episode that you recently did about rethinking housework, and three takeaways for that. And I live in the mountains of Idaho with my two kids, and my dog and my husband, and I love where I live. And I love what I do.
KC Davis 1:48
I'm so glad you're here. Because when you reach out to me with your idea for a topic of parenting, according to your values, I was excited about that. Because there's something that I've always said is like, when I became a parent, I had so many ideas about how I was going to raise my kids and I read like every blog there was, right, like I was like, okay, the best way to feed is breastfeeding, and then baby led weaning, and the best way to give birth is ABCDEFG. And the best way to to play is for wooden toys that we rotate out every three, you know, days, that don't do anything electronic. And then No, I'm not going to speak in a baby voice because you're supposed to speak like a normal voice to your kids. And I'm gonna read a lot to them. I mean, we're not going to do any screen time. And then we're gonna go to a Montessori school. And I mean, I just had, it's like any decision that you need to make in parenting, there is a blog out there that exists about the best way to do it. But what I found is that there is no blog that tells you how you're supposed to follow all of those blogs at once. And it was really disillusioning to go through the first few years of parenting and watch myself like, feel incapable of keeping up with all of these commitments about this idealized version of how he was going to be the perfect parent. And that kind of more for me, and this idea of like, I don't need parenting rules, I need parenting values, so that like I can make the decision about what's important right now. Like I realized I had to prioritize things. And the truth is like when I prioritize things, wooden toys and screentime and baby led weaning, like, didn't really ever make it to the top.
Rachel Nielson 3:33
Yeah. And you're so right, Casey, that there's no blog out there that captures it all. And also that that can tell you how to parent your unique children with your unique values and contexts that you're coming from as an individual Mother and I have found that my values are what matter the most in how I raise my children, the lens through which I can do the best job for them is by being true to my values and bringing to them who I actually am and what I actually care about, instead of what I think I should care about, or who I think I should be. And that took me a while to figure out to my first few years of parenting, I had oh so many shoulds that and I was miserable, because I wasn't living up to them. And I finally realized that I'm the only person who can give my kids a happy and fulfilled mom. And the way to do that is by being myself within my motherhood and bringing myself to them. And it's made all the difference in my level of fulfillment in day to day life as a mom and also I think, in the success quote, unquote, that I'm able to have as a mom because that is not definable by a set of rules or a standard it's really definable by the connection that I have with my kids. That comes from showing them who I am.
KC Davis 4:58
Yeah, I like that. And you know, this idea of values it like sounds really good. But I never got past that point of like, but how do I figure out what my values are? Because I feel like when we ever have that conversation with people, we automatically go to kinda like the fluffy stuff like kindness is a value and honesty is a value in it, right? But I have a feeling that you're gonna help us flush out something a little more actionable than that. Because like, how do I do with my kids toys? If I'm like, kindness is my value, like, I need a better like, kind of rubric to look through to know. And also that, like, whenever we talk about values being like kindness and honesty, like nobody would be like, Well, I think I'm not going to choose kindness as my value. But in reality, like, there's actually a lot of kind of almost morally neutral values. And we don't all have to have the same ones.
Rachel Nielson 5:47
Yes, 100%. I feel I teach women in a program called self assured motherhood, we do an entire month about values. And one of the first things that I tell them is that we're talking about the morally neutral values. We're not talking about like whether or not to kill someone, which I'm pretty sure we all agree, is not a good thing. And we all have a value against, we're talking about things like adventure like is that one of your values that is morally neutral, if you really value adventure, and that brings you joy, as a mom, and you want to take your kids on lots of adventures, wonderful. If you don't, and you value routine and stability, that doesn't make you any less of a good mother, you just value different things. So these are morally neutral, they are not tied to religion, or any religious principles. And you're right, Casey, that if you looked at a list of them, you might think, well, these all matter like, you know, kindness matters, and so does honesty and loyalty and productivity, yes, they all matter. And also, some do matter more to you than others. And that's okay. And sometimes it takes a level of self awareness to be able to sort through and sift out and figure out, I'm not saying that kindness doesn't matter to me at all, it does. But what really makes my heart sing is adventure. And so yes, of course, we're going to have like, we're going to be a kind family. But when it comes to prioritizing day to day life and activities, it doesn't resonate with me as much to think about kindness as it does to think about adventure. Whereas another mom might much more resonate with kindness. And she is like consciously thinking about taking our kids to serve the neighbor, or to go and sing Christmas carols at the nursing home or teaching them to be very aware of the people that they're interacting with at the grocery store and making eye contact and chatting with them. Again, not that the other mom is saying, We don't care about being kind, and we're going to be mean to everyone around us. But just that what really kind of gives them that zing of joy and excitement within their day to day life is different, because they have different things that they value.
KC Davis 8:04
And I wouldn't even say that's necessarily kindness as the value, it's almost like altruism is the value. You know, and the other thing I love about this, Rachel is that I'm seeing so much potential for me to also parent, my inner child in this like, and there's some conversations that I think are important about, like, we don't want to swing too far in the opposite direction. Like if you had a parent that yelled a lot, and you decide that like, I'm never gonna get angry, like, obviously, you know, we don't and then we just never set any boundaries, because we're afraid to set boundaries or be angry or punish or do any of this like, okay, at the end of the day, we need to be the parent that our kids need, not the parent that we needed. However, this week, when you talked about a spirit of adventure versus a spirit of I want to say like coziness and familiarity, my heart automatically, like leapt at one of those, and I know it came from kind of like a place of woundedness of like, there might have been a little too much chaos in my childhood for me to like, want adventure to be it right. And like I would sort of even like adventure is to me wouldn't just be like, Oh, hiking, it also be like, Oh, we're enrolled in so many sports, that like, every day, we're out of the house, always on the go. And so like that resonated with me where it was like, No, like coziness, and home and meals at home and predictability. I mean, is that part of it? Like, do you see that in parents? I mean, not that I would never tell my kids that can't be adventurous, but that like it's totally okay for me to lean into the one that is going to be more healing and more whole for me.
Rachel Nielson 9:41
Yeah, I mean, totally okay for you to do that. And also, I think that it's part of the work of healing your inner child to figure out if what you think is a value is actually a trauma response, and it's something that you want to work to let go of, and it's fine either way. way, you know, so you might say no, really the desire for coziness and stability and routine. It's not just that it makes me feel good because of the trauma from my past, it's that it actually makes me feel connected to who I feel I deeply AM. And that wasn't honored in my past. And so I want to lean into that with my own family versus you do feel a pull to adventure, but you are tamping that down, because everything in you is saying like, no, that's dangerous, you don't want to give your kids an experience that was similar to what you had. So that's more of a trauma response, if that makes sense. And only you can sort of sift that out and figure out what is truly a core value versus what may have become a core value, even though it's not really you because of negative things that happened in your past. And I wish that I could give like a formula for how to figure out the difference. I just think that so many of us are not even aware of the values conversation. And so even just listening to this podcast, some listeners are going to start looking for and thinking about their values in a different way. And it's a lifelong exercise in getting to know yourself and thinking, you know, I always thought that I really valued this. But I think that's actually because of hard things that happened to me in my past. And now that I've healed to a certain level, I want to start experiencing and experimenting with other ways of living. And I may come back to the thing and see it really was one of my core values all along. And it wasn't just a trauma response, or I may be ready to embrace something different that I previously had not realized was one of my core values, because it had been so buried by all of the hard stuff in my past, if that makes sense.
KC Davis 11:50
Totally. And I think I'm gonna we're gonna get into like some more specifics on how we kind of dig in. But I have kind of two thoughts as we're talking now. One is, I read Emily Foster's book, the family firm. And she talked a little bit about this concept, but just not the one example always stuck with me. She talks about how, you know, they have family dinner every night. And I think that what our society has done with the idea of family dinner is very much like over moralized it like it is the only right thing to do. And it's has all these benefits. And you know, if you don't do it XYZ, and I just really finally figured out that like just because something has benefits, doesn't mean that your child is going to be harmed if they don't get it. Mm hmm. Like, yes, there are benefits to having family dinner, and she decided that that was a value for her over, like being enrolled in extracurriculars. But extracurriculars also have value and like it would be perfectly okay for a family to say actually, like we value, what's it called, like team sports and being a part of a team and commitment and follow through, and discipline and hard work. And we can do all that obviously, with kindness, or you could do it with, you know, competition. But the idea is kind of mind blowing that when you're looking at a choice, that it may not be what does a good parent do? And what does a bad parent do? It might be? Here's a really good thing. And here's another good thing, and I can't have them or do them both at the same time, at least right now. And that I get to pick whichever one is sort of calling to me. The second thing I thought was, Do you think there's also room for like, having different values at different seasons? Like if I pick adventure? Am I stuck with that forever?
Rachel Nielson 13:35
No, absolutely not. I tell women in my program, I'm not saying I'm saying Try these values on so I have them actually identify, go through an activity, which we can talk a little bit about, because I would love to give your listeners some concrete takeaways for how to find their values. So I have them do that. And I tell them, you know, come up with five, and you're trying them on. And this is not going on your tombstone. So try it out for a while. And often we'll find that like, actually, the word kindness doesn't resonate. It's more compassion. And there's such a subtle difference there. But it's the word that resonates in your soul. That means something different to you or Casey, you've mentioned, like, that sounds more like altruism, like someone might think, oh, yeah, it's more altruism than kindness. But you have to start with a framework of identifying a few values and trying them on and then you sort of shift and change. And you may find that in a few years when your kids are in a different phase, that you do uncover a different value and that things sort of shift and change and that's totally okay.
KC Davis 14:41
Okay, let's take a short break for a sponsor, who we are very grateful for, and we're grateful for all of our sponsors, and we will come back. Okay, so we're back with Rachel and we're talking about how would I go about like, what if I'm listening to this and I'm thinking like, Wait, this seems like such a much better way of of parenting and frankly, like as you're talking I'm like this is just a better way of living? Yes, yes. Like, because it's not just parents who are stuck in this, like, you know, optimize everything all the time make every right parenting decision or you're a piece of shit. Like, I feel like humans in general, a lot of us are stuck in that place of how do we decide this job? Or this job? Or how do we decide to go here? Or go there? Or what do we do? How do we decide what our values are? If we want to move past the sort of fluffy, ambiguous stuff?
Rachel Nielson 15:28
Mm hmm. Yeah, for sure. So I mentioned that I have a an exercise I have women in my program do and I've actually made that available for your listeners, if they want, they can download it is the exact exercise I lead women through. And I'll put that at three and 30 podcast.com/values. So you can go and pull it up. And the first half of it is sort of brain storming, freewrite questions about what you loved as a child? And what made you come alive? And what sort of made your heart sing, I asked a question in there about, have you ever been involved in a group project or a job? Something that like you felt incredibly fulfilled doing it? And can you identify what it was about that particular project or role that really fit you? And so you go through these kind of brainstorm questions, and you try to pull out some themes of words that can capture, you know, and bring together the common threads between your answers to these different questions. So you're really looking inward, to try to figure out because your values have been with you your whole life, whether or not you were aware of them. So it's more of an uncovering than like a deciding on what your values are. Like, if I were told to decide what I wanted my values to be, it might be a different list, then truly getting honest with myself about, but who am I and who have I always been, and what has been important to me. I remember, as a child, middle schooler, noticing the kids that sat alone at lunch, and really worrying for them and trying to sometimes I'd actually, when I was at my best, I would actually go and sit with them and make an effort. Other times, I wasn't at my best, I wasn't confident enough to do that. But I noticed them. And now in my adulthood, I realize that that's a little unusual for a child that young to be noticing people like that. And that's something that I kind of wrote down in my brainstorm of, I've always just had a tender heart for the people who maybe are on the margins. And that is a sign that one of my values has something to do with compassion, kindness, service, like the divinity of other people inclusion, yes. And so I can play with those words a little bit. But recalling those specifics from my childhood helps me to get there. And so that's the first half of the exercise is really looking inward and seeing what you can uncover about yourself for yourself.
KC Davis 18:03
Well, before you do the second half, I want to play around with this for a second. So when you said that my thought immediately went to Thanksgiving, growing up, every Thanksgiving, I would go see my family that lived like a state away. And I had a cousin that was my age. And we had a bunch of older cousins, and my mom had two sisters and a brother and both of her parents and literally like everyone came. And we would sit around and play dominoes and eat Thanksgiving food. And it was like that was literally every Thanksgiving up until I was probably 16. And for some reason, that's right, where my mind goes. So if that if that's where my mind goes when you said like, think about something in your childhood that kind of like you enjoyed or made you feel alive, or has that comfort, like, how would I tease a value from that?
Rachel Nielson 18:52
Mm hmm. Well, I think I mean, I can just throw out a bunch of different words that you could try on sort of based around that like, to me it feels like family, connection, togetherness, coziness, which you already mentioned, traditions, I don't know. But those are some of the words that come to mind. For me, that can be teased from the fact that those times with your family meant so much to you, there's a value there. Can you think of any other words based on that? On your experience?
KC Davis 19:26
I think maybe the word community comes to mind because definitely family like that's part of it. But it kind of extends a little more than that, that that community of just like right where you fit in where there's people around and everything is kind of easy, like nothing is pretense if that makes sense. Like it's not always easy, but that idea of kind of just being surrounded by people.
Rachel Nielson 19:51
Yeah. And you just said there were nothing's pretend. So maybe from that you tease out like authenticity is very important to you feeling known and know seeing and loving the people around you in a deep, intimate way that's not fake is very important to you. So you and it's super helpful to talk this out. So to do this with a friend, or someone who knows you well, or a sister or a therapist, and say, you know, ask them say, this is the moment that stands out to me, what threads or themes do you see? And then when they give you some ideas, you always have to come back to yourself and say, nobody else can tell you what your values are, you have to be able to say what words resonate and give me that little zing inside. I sometimes think about Marie Kondo, who did the life changing Magic of Tidying Up and she'd say, when you hold your possessions, they should give you a little like King mark of joy. Yeah, spark joy. And that's how it should be with these values of like, hold these different words, kind of metaphorically. And ask yourself, does it give me a little zing, a little spark of joy? If so, then there's something there that I can explore as value.
KC Davis 20:59
You know, what's kind of wild is that you mentioned earlier, you know, these aren't necessarily like, we can look back and realize these have always been our values. And I'm already realizing the things that I've done as a person. And as a parent, according to that value. I mean, like, literally, we ended up moving to a different city for my husband's job. And like, pretty quickly realized, like, Oh, I'm not thriving here. And we talked about moving back where family was, but that kind of came in conflict with some other values that we had about where we were and why. And we ended up moving to a suburb, and specifically to live two miles from a good friend of mine, who was like, come here, live near me, we will be community with each other. And then shortly after that, actually talked to my mother about moving down, and she moved down. And we found we went and found a home for her, and helped her through the process of moving, she now lives 10 minutes from me, I see her multiple times a week, like my friend just stopped by to get my vacuum cleaner to try it. And like we sent our kids to school based on the idea that we could know our neighbors. And I'm like, oh, like, okay, so that makes sense on a big picture scale, right about like making those decisions. But, you know, even earlier when I was like, How do I decide what to do about the toys? Like, how would I decide how community applies to our toys? You know what I mean?
Rachel Nielson 22:24
Yeah, well, I love that you were just able to parse out how the memory from your childhood connects to the things you love in your current life, that's beautiful to hear how it all connects together. And I think that not every value is going to apply to every situation like Could your value for community connect back to what you do with the toys in your home, maybe, maybe you decide like, Oh, we're gonna have, you know, I'm keeping all these toys, like I'm keeping more toys than maybe another mom would, because I love to have my kids have their friends here. And to have lots of toys available so that it feels like a community place where people can gather. And that's why you know, my physical things reflect the center value. And also, maybe your value for community has nothing to do with your toys, and you decide to get rid of a bunch of them, because you also have a value for simplicity and order. And that's okay, too. And sometimes our values do get, they do sort of contradict each other. And that's when it gets tough. Like when women say to me, I have a value of connection. But I also have a value of productivity, or I have a value of connection. But I also have a value of order. And so my kids want me to play with them. And my connect my value towards connection says you should do that a good mom would do that. But I'm like dying over the messy kitchen. And my value of order says I desperately want to clean this up right now. And again, I wish there was like a magic formula I could give you of how to decide which value wins out in that moment. But I think it's a constant, give and take. And you just have to say like, right now, I am prioritizing connection. And order can wait. Or right now I'm going to clean my kitchen because I recognize we spent all morning together at the library or whatever. And that value has been fulfilled. And it's okay for me to lean into this other value without feeling guilty about it.
KC Davis 24:27
Yeah, I mean, as long as you're picking both right, like not that you can't pick them at the same time, but you could certainly have them in the same season. Yes. And get the benefits of both and even get the benefits of not choosing the other one from time. Like saying no to playing is good for you and your kids. Yeah, it wouldn't be good if that was all you ever said. And you know, saying no to the kitchen is good for you and your kids, but it wouldn't be good if you always said no to it.
Rachel Nielson 24:52
Mm hmm. Yeah. And again, just having the words and the understanding around values. I feel like gives you So much more self compassion and ability to coach yourself. It's a win win situation. Yeah. And to say to yourself, this is hard for you, Rachel. And I do I kind of have this like inner voice that talks to me and is this compassionate cheerleader. And it kind of talks to me in the third person, and says, this is hard for you, Rachel, because you really value order, but you also really value connection, and your best friend needs you right now. And so you do not have to feel bad about leaving your house in disarray, because you are following another value. And so it just gives you this sort of like, way to comfort yourself and cheer yourself on. So you're not shaming yourself for the things you're not able to accomplish at every moment of the day.
KC Davis 25:40
Let me tell you that I value rest, and sleep. Yes, I don't mean in like a, you know, a ha weight. I mean, in like a legitimate there are major decisions that I have made around valuing rest and sleep. And it's a big value to me because of how connected it is to my mental health, of how connected it is, to my physical health of how connected is to My psychological health, and just the acknowledgement of like, that's one of the biggest ways that I, as a mother choose myself. Mm, yeah, amidst sort of the chaos of parenting. And I mean, major decisions that people might not agree with. And I sleep, train my children, I am one of the biggest kind of attachment parenting people, and they're always so surprised to hear that I sleep train my children. Because the value of sleep one,
Rachel Nielson 26:28
yes. And the value of rest, I actually have never considered the word rest as a value until just now when you said it. And I think that's a beautiful value to hold. Like, think of all the different ways that rest can manifest itself in your whole life, not just talking about sleep, but in your in the way you set up your home, and the way you engage in your relationships, where people feel very at ease with you, they feel restful in your presence, because of what you bring to their life. You know, I think that's an incredibly unique value that you could bring into so many areas of your life, and that it sort of takes a big level of self acceptance in our productivity obsessed culture, you know, to say, actually, I don't value productivity, I value rest. And that is not a moral failing. That is an incredibly beautiful thing that I bring to my life and the lives of other people.
KC Davis 27:22
Wow. Yeah, because I do and have fun. You know, we talking earlier about you know, nobody prepares you how to parent your own children. And the truth is, is like my kids, they came and I was like, oh, no, your people, you're not ideas or blank slates, like you are people with your own brains and personalities. And, you know, I wasn't expecting to have neurodivergent kids, but here we are. And, you know, I have been doing for some time now, what I refer to what others refer to as low demand parenting. We don't have a lot of rules in our house. I mean, obviously, safety is important. And we do believe that boundaries are important. And you know, because I value Sleep, my kids actually go to bed at 730 Every night and will for a long time and rest, right? So that's value for them and me because I need that time as well. So I don't want to sound like you know, nobody, there's no structure in our home. But if I can say yes, I do, right, I don't care where you eat, I don't care what you're wearing, I don't care if you color on yourself, I don't really mind for color on the wall, right? Like, I'll tell you which wall to color on. But I'm now realizing that that is connected to probably a lot of values, but is connected to rest. Yeah, everyone just rests like it's just a restful place.
Rachel Nielson 28:33
And when you are tied into your values, when you are clued into your unique values, I feel like you are less judgmental of other people, which is a beautiful way to live. You can look at other moms and say they value something different than I do and I don't need to judge them or downplay that. I also don't need to judge myself. You know, I, you mentioned sleep training. I have had a whole conversation with a young mom that I love who's gone back and forth on whether or not to sleep train her baby and I've just said to her look, what do you love about motherhood, if you love you know co sleeping and having her with you and not you know, you do not have to sleep train your baby. But if you are miserable and unable to function during the day, because of the co sleeping you can sleep train your baby and it's she will be okay she will be okay either way, as long as she has a mom who is honoring herself and her needs as well as honoring her baby at the same time. And building a home life where the mom is happy and at ease or at least as happy as she can be. You're never going to be perfectly happy as a mom or a human. Because life is hard and there's hormones and postpartum depression and everything else. But you it's okay to build a family life around what you need and value as a mom and it could look totally different than another mom and you don't need to judge that other mom for the way she does it.
KC Davis 30:00
Okay, let's take another break to hear from a sponsor, we'll come right back. Okay, so you were going to tell us what the second step is?
Rachel Nielson 30:07
Yes, yes. So in the first part of my exercise, you're looking inward to see what you can, you know, tease out about your values in the second part, you can look outward and start looking at lists of potential values. So I actually have a list of 100 values on this worksheet. And you can either just go through the list and circle instar. Or if you are more of a hands on learner, you can actually cut them out. So they're little slips of paper, and then you sort of sort them. And you can sort them any way that you want. But the way that I often tell women to do it is to make three piles. One is not that important to me, one is important to me, and the other is most important to me. And so you take these words, and you put them in the three piles. And again, I remind women that you know, the pile that you're basically tossing out, you're not saying is not important to me at all, you're just saying is not as as important to me
KC Davis 31:07
wouldn't win in a cage match with a different value? Yes, exactly. I
Rachel Nielson 31:10
see, you're not saying like that you don't value health at all, if you put that in the category, but maybe that's just not one of your top values or priorities, and you don't build your life around, you know, your physical health, like some other people do. My husband is incredibly active and loves to, you know, eat lots of vegetables, and he has a different level of value around health than I do. And that's okay, like that would never be in my pile of top values. And it would be in his and that's okay.
KC Davis 31:40
You know, what's crazy about that is that I don't think it is for me either. And I've always felt really a lot of shame about that, because I know that like, I'm setting the stage for my kids and their health. But one of the things that I've never ways that I've never thought about it that I'm realizing and talking to you is that it isn't that I don't prioritize health, it's that I don't prioritize it above other values that are more important to me. But that's only in instances where health intersects with a different value. Like, if it's I'm going to puree, you know, the most organic, nutrient packed homemade baby food. I'm not going to do that, because I value rest. But rest is not always in the picture. When I'm deciding, do I grab this donut? Or do I grab these carrots? Like they're both right there, like I do multiple times a day make the decision? Hey, let's grab the carrots. And I mean, I'm not to say that doughnuts are not healthy. I'm just saying like in terms of, okay, am I going to feed them doughnuts all day? Or, you know, Hey, it's 100 degrees outside. So I'm not going to go outside and walk when my kids asked you because I'm not doing it. I don't know what but like, when it's 70 degrees outside, and they want to take a walk. I'm for it. And now and I feel like yes, let's do it. Let's get outside today. And oh my gosh, Rachel, the self compassion that just released inside of me realizing that I don't ignore health? Yes, I just I choose it in situations where it does not conflict with other values that are more important.
Rachel Nielson 33:14
Yes. Isn't it amazing the self compassion that it brings, as well as the compassion for other people that it brings the clarity that it brings? It's brought for me in parenting, like in co parenting with my husband, so much clarity around? Why is he so like adamant with them about certain things that I don't think are that important? where there might be conflict between us? Once I started thinking more about values, and I actually had my husband do this activity that I do with the women in my program. And once I knew what his values are, I could see like, oh, this really matters to him. That, you know, one example is that he really values he played tons of team sports growing up he but because he values, health and activity and all those things, and my son is not into it. And I was always like, why is he pressuring Noah to join these teams that Noah doesn't want to join? So then I had a conversation with Ryan and said, What's the values underneath that? And he said, Well, I want him to be active and move his body. I want him to build friendships and learn about teamwork. So we kind of identified the values underneath and I said, Okay, our son doesn't want to be in team sports. But I can tell that these values really matter to you. And they matter to me too. So what are some different ways that we can honor who our son is, and also bring these values in, and we came up with a plan and we brought my son and he's 12. So he has can have a lot of say in his life now. And we brainstorm together ways that he could work with a team. And so like joining the Lego team at at the middle school, the engineering team, and that he could move his body by riding his bike at the pump track and So we're meeting the values, while also diffusing the tension around specific activities that we sometimes as parents can get. So, like, caused so much conflict in our family, when really it's just a values issue underneath it.
KC Davis 35:14
Wow, Rachel, that is incredible. Because how many times do we do that we push our kids to do something. Because we know that there are benefits that we feel like are really important. But if we don't stop to realize, okay, it's not the soccer. Yeah, in and of itself, right. You know, it's the value underneath and like if your value and because as soon as you said that, where you said, as a team moving your body, I was like, well, theater does that,
Rachel Nielson 35:38
yes, so many different things can do that.
KC Davis 35:42
That's wild, it's, it reminds me of a conversation, I had my husband one time, he was a part of a fraternity and you know, fraternities have come under some hot water. And many, many years after he was gone from college, his own fraternity kind of gotten in trouble. And he was talking about, like, feeling those mixed emotions of, hey, I'm glad that like, things are changing, and things are going to be safer for women. And that, like parts of that culture are getting kind of snuffed out, like the dangerous parts of that culture and the gross misogynist parts of that culture. But I still find myself sad, because there were so many things that I valued that I got in that, you know, the feeling of brotherhood, the feeling of having someone to come home to the feeling of tradition, the feeling of sort of friends that are friends forever. And it was similar to that conversation, where it's like, okay, we can value those things. But when we identify what the values are, we can much more easily let go of things that might have kind of a net negative and go well, how can I find these values elsewhere?
Rachel Nielson 36:46
Yes, absolutely. And it can become such a connective activity for you and a partner to talk about it diffuses tension when you start talking about what's underneath the deeper person, why does this matter to you why, let's talk about it. And then you're then you know each other, it's intimate to know each other better. And then you're like, let's figure out together how to build our family life around these things that matter to both of us. And let's figure out what our shared values are and where we differ and respect that about each other and build a life around with an awareness of values underneath it.
KC Davis 37:22
Gosh, Rachel, I just think about how many parents are burning out because they are attempting to have every single value and the number one spot? Yes. Okay, we're gonna wind down a little bit. But I wanted to share with you something that I think is kind of funny, I heard someone say one time, you know that they don't have family rules, they have family values. And it was somewhat similar to this conversation. But they kind of said, you know, we have these four family values. And whenever my kids is they're getting older, like want to do something, you know, we don't have a rule about what time you need to be home or what things you're allowed to do. But we go to the family values and make the decision based on that. And so kind of similar to what you're talking about. But what was funny about it was I had just seen a tweet by this very bizarre there's this really funny account on Twitter called time scanner, and they sometimes tweet the most random things. And this was the tweet it said, be a Kermit the Frog, have a creative vision and no ego. Recognize the unique talents of those around you attract weirdos, manage chaos, show kindness Be sincere. And ever since I read that, for some reason, it is just stuck in my brain where I was like, that's what I want my family to be about. Those are the values attract weirdos, manage chaos, show kindness be sincere Hmm, that's beautiful. And anyways, I just wanted to share that with everybody because I was like, never has like a four sentences summed up what I care about about life before.
Rachel Nielson 38:49
Yeah, it like gave you that little zing in your heart. That's when you know, this resonates these are my values and like you could put that on your wall or frame it and put it in your kids rooms and, and talk about it a lot that we are a Kermit the Frog family. And this is what we value.
KC Davis 39:04
So Rachel, what do you want our listeners to know as they log off today,
Rachel Nielson 39:09
I want the listeners to know that whatever your values are, are good. And okay. And the more that you embrace the things that innately matter to you and start accepting who you actually are, instead of who you think you should be. The not only the more happy and fulfilled you will feel but the world will be blessed by it by you bringing who you actually are and owning it to the world. Whether that's just in your home or it's in your workplace. It's in the larger world and community. All of us will be blessed when we become more aware of our values, and we accept them and live into them.
KC Davis 39:48
I love that. Well Rachel, thank you so much. We will link that website that you mentioned earlier in the show notes for everyone. And I wish everyone a great day take care of yourselves and toodaloo
Transcribed by https://otter.ai